At the age of 23 I realized I'm a complete loser. Or not even that cool to be a loser, but a wannabe.
Not only have I really kissed very few guys in my life, but also I've done nothing but tried to be someone else, or try to copy another person's image, or whatever!
I'm totally lost. I tried to be a mean girl, I tried to follow a (what people would call her) queen bee, I tried to be really good at sports (a jog), a tried to be kind of a nerd, I tried to be an art freak ('performing arts', specially), I tried to be just a freak (almost-punk), I tried to be a geek, and maybe some other stuff too. But the only things I got were: not being mean enough to embarrass other people, not being able to join the popular girls 'cause I wasn't pretty enough, being moved to the "B" group at sports, and then to the volley ball team, in which I sucked, teachers not liking me that much and not getting good grades 'cause I was not that intelligent nor studied that much, not being talented enough to be a good arts performer, didn't really like punk music, and not being sufficiently geek to be a cool geek. (Even though I know geeks are not really cool and popular, there are some people you could say are too geek, hence, cool because of their geek-ness). There, you see? I'm a total loser AND a wannabe.
I'm mad. Mainly I realized about this because I failed at pretty much everything I did in my short life. I know I'm not too old, but I'm not too young either. I really am lost in here. I always thought that by the age of 30 I was going to be dating someone for at least 5 years, whom I would marry, and also being graduated from university, and have something in my life that I was proud of. Like something interesting. But no. And I only have 7 years now to do that. I feel like that's not enough and that I've lost a lot of time already.
Now, the only thing I can think about instead of my final exams is: WHAT THE FUCK!! I'm not sufficiently talented at almost anything to win something!
For instance, I suck at dates! I don't have dates! Guys won't ask me out, even though some people say I'm gorgeous, I don't know what's wrong, but I don't get invited anywhere. I even suck at speaking to guys I might like. I get really timid and can't speak, and if i do, I only tell bad jokes or non interesting things, or in the end they don't really like me. I know it's an attitude thing. But what the hell! I've been trying to copy so many people that I don't know if I have attitude myself!
The only two guys I've ever dated, I lost them. The first one was really my fault. But I'm pretty sure that if I had continued dating him, he would've dumped me for the same reasons my second boyfriend dumped me. I guess I'm a bit childish, I don't know, and I can't really commit to stuff the way grown ups do, I guess. You see where I'm going? I'm worried about my social life. I really feel like Josie Grosie. In fact, I think I am kind of a Josie Geller from the movie 'Never been kissed' with a bit of Bridget Jones. IN FACT, there's a guy at my job who told me a few weeks ago: "Stop acting like Bridget Jones. Otherwise, you will never get a guy. You should go out and have more fun."
If I would have thought about it, I would have done what Patrick Dempsey's character did in that movie "Can't buy me love." That's almost exactly what I am: a loser who wants (or wanted) to be popular and couldn't. Though, in that case, even though he behaved like a jackass, he got what he wanted: the girl and popularity, in an odd way.
So, how bad is it to realize that you're a loser? And how do I "mend" this and stop being such a jerk living in Loserville, and instead going to the winning side of the world, like the rest of the people? Just being myself? Gosh... I don't think that will work. And I'm not even going to start talking about how people don't take me seriously.
The only two guys I've ever dated, I lost them. The first one was really my fault. But I'm pretty sure that if I had continued dating him, he would've dumped me for the same reasons my second boyfriend dumped me. I guess I'm a bit childish, I don't know, and I can't really commit to stuff the way grown ups do, I guess. You see where I'm going? I'm worried about my social life. I really feel like Josie Grosie. In fact, I think I am kind of a Josie Geller from the movie 'Never been kissed' with a bit of Bridget Jones. IN FACT, there's a guy at my job who told me a few weeks ago: "Stop acting like Bridget Jones. Otherwise, you will never get a guy. You should go out and have more fun."
If I would have thought about it, I would have done what Patrick Dempsey's character did in that movie "Can't buy me love." That's almost exactly what I am: a loser who wants (or wanted) to be popular and couldn't. Though, in that case, even though he behaved like a jackass, he got what he wanted: the girl and popularity, in an odd way.
So, how bad is it to realize that you're a loser? And how do I "mend" this and stop being such a jerk living in Loserville, and instead going to the winning side of the world, like the rest of the people? Just being myself? Gosh... I don't think that will work. And I'm not even going to start talking about how people don't take me seriously.
