Notas de dos días

Día 1:
No es que quiera dar pena, pero... did anyone ever stop and think about my situation?
I mean, she's on the same damn situation that I've been through months ago. But I don't feel like anyone has felt for me what they feel for her.
I guess it's because nobody knew him as much as they know him (that it's not much). But... it's the same!!
Should I feel angry for this? I don't know. But it definetely feels weird -- and, envy!

Maybe I'm a fool... but can't help feeling that way.


I know I don't want that. But... still I miss it, somehow. It feels kind of good...


All I need is a miracle, all I need is you!


I miss good old days.


He just called me his "friend." Ain't that weird? I wouldn't call him my friend... Or I'm not sure...


And so he's gone. It gave me the chills. I would have kissed him right away, but I mustn't get in his way; their way. I gave him a cute goodbye, though.



Día 2:
Supongo que estoy celosa nada más. Por esta cuestión de "uninvited" que tengo. Aunque, igual, creo que va un poco más allá de eso...
¿Por qué nadie quiere notarlo? ¿O soy posta sólo yo?


Y todo, como siempre, estos últimos meses, desemboca en él. Ya ni sé por qué ni cómo. Pero así es...


Por eso no hay que dejar de decirle a la gente querida cuánto uno los quiere.


Insisto. Me sale casi automáticamente. Aunqne no quiera.

From deep inside - 1

At the age of 23 I realized I'm a complete loser. Or not even that cool to be a loser, but a wannabe.

Not only have I really kissed very few guys in my life, but also I've done nothing but tried to be someone else, or try to copy another person's image, or whatever!

I'm totally lost. I tried to be a mean girl, I tried to follow a (what people would call her) queen bee, I tried to be really good at sports (a jog), a tried to be kind of a nerd, I tried to be an art freak ('performing arts', specially), I tried to be just a freak (almost-punk), I tried to be a geek, and maybe some other stuff too. But the only things I got were: not being mean enough to embarrass other people, not being able to join the popular girls 'cause I wasn't pretty enough, being moved to the "B" group at sports, and then to the volley ball team, in which I sucked, teachers not liking me that much and not getting good grades 'cause I was not that intelligent nor studied that much, not being talented enough to be a good arts performer, didn't really like punk music, and not being sufficiently geek to be a cool geek. (Even though I know geeks are not really cool and popular, there are some people you could say are too geek, hence, cool because of their geek-ness). There, you see? I'm a total loser AND a wannabe.

I'm mad. Mainly I realized about this because I failed at pretty much everything I did in my short life. I know I'm not too old, but I'm not too young either. I really am lost in here. I always thought that by the age of 30 I was going to be dating someone for at least 5 years, whom I would marry, and also being graduated from university, and have something in my life that I was proud of. Like something interesting. But no. And I only have 7 years now to do that. I feel like that's not enough and that I've lost a lot of time already.

Now, the only thing I can think about instead of my final exams is: WHAT THE FUCK!! I'm not sufficiently talented at almost anything to win something!

For instance, I suck at dates! I don't have dates! Guys won't ask me out, even though some people say I'm gorgeous, I don't know what's wrong, but I don't get invited anywhere. I even suck at speaking to guys I might like. I get really timid and can't speak, and if i do, I only tell bad jokes or non interesting things, or in the end they don't really like me. I know it's an attitude thing. But what the hell! I've been trying to copy so many people that I don't know if I have attitude myself!
The only two guys I've ever dated, I lost them. The first one was really my fault. But I'm pretty sure that if I had continued dating him, he would've dumped me for the same reasons my second boyfriend dumped me. I guess I'm a bit childish, I don't know, and I can't really commit to stuff the way grown ups do, I guess. You see where I'm going? I'm worried about my social life. I really feel like Josie Grosie. In fact, I think I am kind of a Josie Geller from the movie 'Never been kissed' with a bit of Bridget Jones. IN FACT, there's a guy at my job who told me a few weeks ago: "Stop acting like Bridget Jones. Otherwise, you will never get a guy. You should go out and have more fun."

If I would have thought about it, I would have done what Patrick Dempsey's character did in that movie "Can't buy me love." That's almost exactly what I am: a loser who wants (or wanted) to be popular and couldn't. Though, in that case, even though he behaved like a jackass, he got what he wanted: the girl and popularity, in an odd way.

So, how bad is it to realize that you're a loser? And how do I "mend" this and stop being such a jerk living in Loserville, and instead going to the winning side of the world, like the rest of the people? Just being myself? Gosh... I don't think that will work. And I'm not even going to start talking about how people don't take me seriously.

might become lyrics to a song

One day I was crying my brother told me I should write a song. And so... here it is what I tried in a 5 minutes cry.



I don't want to cry anymore
every time I think of you
and I don't even know why I still do
all I do is cry

All the lies you told me
all the pretty lies you told me
somehow now you don't care
how is it that you couldn't care?
and all I still do is cry

Even though it's been some time
I still wonder why
why you left me like that
why you went away with the sun
And all the things you used to say
how is it that you don't care anymore

And I know I'm lying to myself
when I think you might be thinking of me
but I can't help it, I just cry
wondering why you left me
and how could you go to the sun

I thought we were always going to be together
no matter what or how
but now I know you're better without me
you're better with the sun
and I still cry

And I don't even know why is it that I cry
but I just know that I love you
even though you went with the sun
I cry because I love you
and I can't believe we're not together anymore

But I wish I could forget you
forget us together
'cause we don't exist anymore
since you've gone with the sun

And I hope I can stop crying
I hope I can find someone else
someone better for me, like the sun is for you
though I know the sun will never be
better than me, 'cause I love you.




Copyright.

You know when you're like crying and you close your eyes very hard, thinking that if you do so you will suddenly disappear, and that even though you're not physically there, you can still take a look at absolutely everything, like you were a ghost or something. When you wish very bad to become invisible, and not just thanks to the Invisibility Cloak.
But then you just open your eyes, and you're still there, still crying like a baby.
And you try to close them once more, and you can even imagine the sound of yourself disappearing, like a "POOF" or something. But that's when you realize it's not going to happen, and you then wish you could go back in time, somewhere back in time when THAT moment was not even close to existing. And then you think "Fuck you, destiny!" And you remember Jack and Locke back there in the island, and then think again "This was meant to be." Still, you wish for that not to have existed, for you not to have suffered all that pain. For you not to suffer anymore.
And then of course you realize it's been like half an hour of you sitting on the bathroom toilette and someone from the outside is shouting at you "Hey! Get out of there! I need to use the bathroom, you moron!"

Bad, bad PUF!

Y justo cuando creía que ya lo había encontrado, ¡PUF! Se fue todo al carajo.
¿Por qué nadie me avisó? ¿O por qué nadie me advirtió?
¿Por qué es que lo hizo? Eso nunca lo sabré.
Si hay algo que odio es tener intriga, duda, no saber por qué pasan algunas cosas que me interesan, o que quiero. Y esto me mata. La intriga me mata. Aunque sea lo más horrible del mundo, necesito por alguna razón saberlo.
Algunos dicen que hay que olvidar. And, God, I'm really trying. "And some days I feel like dying. But I'm really only trying to get through."
When did all go wrong? What did I do?
"Was it something I said or something I did?" O al revés.
It hurts. "Give me novocaine."

Y muchas otras cosas que pasan por mi cabeza. Pero, por ahora, sólo esas.

My junk.

In the midst of this nothing. This miss of a life. Still there's this one thing just to see you go by.
It's almost like lovin'. Sad as that is.
May not be cool, but it's so where I live.
It's like i'm your lover or more like your ghost. I spend the day wondering what you do, where you go.
I try and just kick it but then what can I do?We've all got our junk, and my junk is you.

See us, winter walking after a storm. It's chill in the wind but it's warm in your arms. We stop all snow blind, may not be trueWe've all got our junk, and my junk is you.

Well, you’ll have to excuse me, I know it’s so off. I love when you do stuff that’s rude and so wrong.
I go up to my room, turn the stereo on… Shoot up some you in the you of some song.
I lie back just driftin' and play out these scenes I ride on the rush all the hopes all the dreams.
I May be neglecting the things I should do. We've all got our junk, and my junk is you.

See we still keep talkin' after you're gone. You still with me then feels so good in my arms. They say you go blind, maybe it's true. We've all got our junk, and my junk is you.

It's like we stop time. What can I do? We've all got our junk, and my junk is you. My junk is you. My junk is you. You. You. You.

From Spring Awakening.

NEWLY

My dream:
Eran las audiciones, y yo daba lo mejor de mi y tenia una buena audición. Llegó el día en que nos daban los papeles, y para mi sorpresa (y de muchos más) los papeles principales le pertenecían a los más jóvenes. Furiosa porque a mi me habia tocado un mínimo papel, enfrento al director por habermelo dado a mi. El papel era el de Mamá Pomelo. Un personaje inventado para la obra, y que su única función era hacer notar que nada le importaba, que todo era 'rock'. Y su única línea: "ROCK N ROLL, BABY!". Indignada, gritándole al Director, exidiendole que me diera otro personaje, que yo no quería ser mamá, y mucho menos Mamá Pomelo.
Y así fue cómo surgió el chiste de Mamá Pomelo, también conocida como Grapefruit Moma.




Hasta la próxima.
XOXO
Gossip Girl.